When Greg and I are busy, we do well. However the middle of the nights seem to get to us. Sleep is still not our friend. Last night I lay awake at 3am, tears pouring down my cheeks, just wanting to love on Ethan. These are selfish, yet justifiable feelings. I want him here for me. But he would be suffering if he were still here. I am just grateful the Lord answered my prayer. I offered to do WHATEVER it took if Ethan was meant to stay in this life and recieve a transplant. I then said that if his life were to be continual pain and suffering that I was at peace with him leaving this mortality. I simply asked not to have to make the decision! I asked if the second scenario was to be Ethan's, that he pass quickly and peacefully so that I would know it was Thy will. My chest burned during this prayer. I was scared. . . Which scenario was the Lord answering?
Less than 48 hours later I learned. Greg had just left for the night. Ethan was having a wonderful day. Something physical started causing him to have issues. He began retaining CO2 shortly after midnight. As they were adjusting his ventilator settings, his heart went into an arrythmia and he was soon gone. They worked on him for a few minutes as his heart rate was dropping. But our request was not to put him through a long full code if something like this were to arise. He had been through too much already, and he would not recieve a transplant if he had neuro damage. The doctor said a full, long code would not have made a difference. He made his quick, peaceful exit. A prayer was distinctly answered that night. And as my heart aches for Ethan, I have to remind myself of the tender mercies of the Lord, and be grateful he is no longer suffering. Now Greg and I must learn a new normal, a new way of going on in life. It is not easy. But time will heal.
Thanks for the continued love and support-
Heidi
PS: I will have the funeral pics soon and post them!
18 comments:
Heidi, I am thinking about you and Greg all the time. I am so glad that Heavenly Father answered your prayer, although it was the more painful scenario. Ethan is perfect now, I like to think of him playing with his angel friends. Praying for you constantly. Love you.
We continue to pray for you. Thankful that Heavenly Father has a plan, and what a blessing that you didn't have to make every last stressful decision in that difficult crossroads position. I wish His plan could have allowed Ethan to be with you now, I know that you will have all the eternities to love on him. Sending our love.
Heidi,
I know exactly how you are feeling. At first I was scared to go to sleep, because then I would think. So I would keep myself busy until I would collapse. I know I used to annoy people by telling our baby girls story over and over again, but it helps me heal. I never thought I would feel this way, but it does get easier. You will always feel the pain on the inside, but you just learn to cope with it better. I tell people all the time its like we wear a mask. Someone I met who lost a baby 10 years ago says it goes from a steak knife to a butter knife. It never goes away, but the pain gets more dull. I have days where I do good for a while, then I have melt down days. Its kind of all over the place. But its OK to feel like that. You are such a beautiful strong person. You have been such a rock for me. I want to help you in any way I can. Please call me anytime day or night. I understand the hurt, anger, confusion, etc. That has been the best support for me. Someone who understands. I have not called, because I know you have family in town. I love you all very much.
Brooke
We are still thinking of you and your family. Ethan's service was perfect, absolutely beautiful!
Z
Heidi you ad Greg are stronger than you think! So many people love and prayer for you daily. Call me at night I am always awake! Hang in there you are doing wonderful!
Your sweet family is truly an inspiration to us all. Ethan's funeral service was so touching as we were all able to witness and feel how truly loved Ethan was by so many and to see how close your family is.
My prayers continue to be with you as you grieve. I think of your sweet family everyday and pray that all is well during this difficult time.
~Katie Murset
Heidi... I have had that same conversation with Heavenly Father many times before. I am happy to hear that Ethan went peacefully and quickly, no more suffering. It's still not easy. I'm sure nights are the hardest, that is the time I lay by Owen and stroke his head and tell him how much he is loved.
I pray that you will continue to find comfort as you start your new normal. Thinking of you!
Andrea
Your sweet Ethan has touched my life so much. Thank you for sharing him with the rest of us, I hug my kids a little longer now. I can't imagine how much your heart must be aching. Thank you for this post, what a beautiful testimony to prayer. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Heidi and Greg -
We pray for your faith to carry you through this trying time. We are with you in spirit. I know Ethan is at peace now with no more pain, no more tears. I cherish the time we were able to spend with you and Ethan. You are stronger than you know. Continue to grieve, for that is normal and expected, but continue to live in his memory. He is with you :)
Love you guys-
In Christ -
The Bourgs
Heidi and Greg,
I just wanted you to know that you have been constantly in my thoughts and prayers over the past few days. I have often thought how strange and strong the bond between fellow HLHS parents is - even though we have never met, we celebrated Ethan's triumphs along with you, and we grieve for little Ethan with you now.
I am glad you were spared having to make an impossibly difficult decision for your beautiful boy, and that he went home so peacefully and quickly in the end.
I so wish that Ethan could have stayed here for longer, but I know that he will be back in your arms in just a little while, never to be taken away again.
Take care of each other, and I hope that you can get some peaceful sleep soon.
With much love, Alison x
Heidi,
I am so sorry, I know it is so difficult. Give yourself all of the time you need to react however you feel is good for the moment. There is no right or wrong and I still do not have many answers. Just try to take time for yourself each day to sit in a quiet place because Ethan's spirit will be there, close to you and you will feel him. That I can promise you!!!!! I will not tell you that the journey ahead for you and your family will be easy or fun, but time does heal and the Lord will comfort you in your darkest hours. I have realized that so often after the fact this past year. I am hear to listen whenever you want to chat with someone who will understand. Our feelings and thoughts are sometimes "weird" to those who have not had this experience, but they are normal.
Love, Keisa
Thank you for sharing the most precious thoughts of your heart - I'm sure it is hard to do! I'm glad for answers to prayer, even if they may not be what we want. I guess if nothing else, it might help you feel that Heavenly Father has His hand directly in your lives, and that He loves you very much. Maybe that can give a tiny bit of peace.
I'm sure you miss Ethan like crazy! I'm also sure he is very near. I pray you'll be able to feel him!!! All my love, Kim
that was hard to read...I can really feel your pain. Im so sorry. But you are right, he is in such a great place right now and no longer suffering. I was watching this show last night about people that have died and come back. and EVERY one was talking about how happy and peaceful they were when they "died". All of them didnt want to come back to earth...because of how wonderful it was in Heaven.
I think in a small way that helps knowing how happy and pain free Ethan is. but its still hard I know...
thanks for all the great updates. hang in there, you guys will continue to be in my prayers..
Your post made me cry, but I'm glad to hear from you again. I check your blog everyday to see how you are doing/coping. Everyday I thank God for bringing Scarlett into my life, if he hadn't I would have never met you or Ethan. God Bless all heart mommies and all heart babies. You couldn't have been more right... it is an amazing subculture of people who understand unlike any other parent.
Still thinking of you daily,
Melodie
I stand in constant awe of you. Your words strengthen and your actions inspire. I hope that this writing serves you as much as it serves all of us who read it.
I'm always a phone call (or 10 min jog) away, even at 3AM;)
Heidi - still thinking of you and your family. My "heart" has really been touched by Ethan. The funeral service was so beautiful. You and Greg have handled everything with such class. All of Ethan's things out on display were adorable. Hang in there - Andi Gooch
I echo what Bri said. We all come here to learn more about your distinct courage as you learn how to live this new chapter of your life. We are all praying for you constantly. There isn't a day that I don't think of what your heart might be feeling and I ache for you and then pray for you...that in the middle of all those tears you cry each day you will feel love and a burning sense of hope, the kind of hope that chases away fear and despair...even if it is only for a moment.
If you ever need an ear to listen or a sitter to come and step in so that you can escape somewhere please call me. 626 7811. Thanks for continuing to write. lots of love!
Sleep is definitely the hardest part. It is when the busyness of the day stops and your mind begins to think. Cry all you want. You need to, even though, I hated it! Please call if you ned soemone to cry to. That is why Ia m here for you! I know prayers were answered, and I'm glad you have recognized that, but you still have feelings and you are fine to cry. I love you!
Post a Comment