I have been doing a little better. I am still overwhelmed w/ missing my Ethan. I have many ups and many downs. And I have struggled with how much he suffered. Although I hate the suffering that occurred, I have no anger or feel no hate towards anyone. I have had a few people tell me "It was so unfair." "Are you so angry?", etc. . . The truth is that as much as there are parts of Ethan's life that I don't like mentally, I can't help but only feel one thing when I talk or think about him. It is peace and beauty. Not beauty because he was so cute. . . But beauty because that is what he radiated. And he is not the only "one" that radiated beauty. You can ask any one who visited Ethan, other heart moms, and even some staff members who paid attention to it. Ethan had angels among him often. . . especially when he was not doing well. I did not see them. . . but they WERE there. God did not cause Ethan's physcial problems. But he sure comforted him through them. And thanks to ALL the faith and love of those who surrounded Ethan on earth, I strongly feel he probably stayed a little longer than he needed to.
I went to St. Joe's the other day for a "graduation ceremony" for the most complex heart babies of the year. The ones who made it to a more stable phase. Ethan was supposed to be there. . . But I really wanted to support my heart friends. . . So I went, and I brought a HUGE amount of Kleenex. None needed. Only one thought consumed me this day. "He is FREE, Ethan is free." The truth is if he were still alive he would be in California, on the ventilator, hoping to get a heart and lung match. . . . . As I said. . . he is free.
Thank you Ethan for enduring to give us more time. Thank you to those who tended to him from the "other side", and to YOU (all those that supported us, cared for Ethan, and especially those who prayed for us continually!)
PS: Can't wait to find out who "they" are one day. . .
10 comments:
Ok, now I am the one that needs kleenex! I'm sure that Ethan DID have angels watching over him and you're right... he is FREE!! I loved this post!!
I also need some tissues! Heidi you are remarkable and so was Ethan.
I love thinking about the angels attending to him from the other side. I am sure Grandpa was there, and so was Uncle Jim and little Melanie. We continue to pray for you to feel comforted.
Heidi,
I loved what you said because this is exactly how I felt while Eden was alive. I have no doubt that angels were attending to my sweet baby and to yours because they were so very perfect! I hate that they had to endure such a difficult life, but I really believe that they were in "another place" when it was most painful and difficult because I do not think that the Lord would allow them to suffer. My mother in law and I have talked at length about this very thing and we both agree that we could almost feel the angels when we were with her. I often think as well, that maybe Eden was hear too long, but if so I know that it was for me and Marcus because we were not ready to let her go. It's such a hard thing, but I am sure that Ethan was NEVER alone!
Love, Keisa
I love reading your blog, I feel inspired every time I do. Thank you for sharing with us. You are so amazing and have such a beautiful spirit! I am happy to hear that you feel at peace. What a blessing.
~Katie Murset
What a touching and heart-felt post. I am sure Ethan was never alone. Our loving Father in Heaven would never leave one of his children alone, especially one that had to endure so much. I continue to pray for you and your sweet family!
You always amaze me... Thank you for being so uplifting and incredible. You do make me cry every post. You have such a way with words, that are so beautiful and powerful..
I hope Jersey was there, I prayed SO hard she would be. I remember the night she died, Heaven was right there, almost tangible. I know that angels also take care of us and I hope that is exactly what our angels are doing.
I just stumbled across your blog and am sad :( I'm so sorry. I noticed the lagoon and gardner pictures, where are you from? I live in Ogden, our baby Libbi is 7 months with CHD. I would love to get to know you better and do anything i can to help you at this point. :)
You are so strong Heidi! You inspire so many!
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